Don's Bad Day

by John Raffo on Mar 10, 2010 9:04 PM PST

So Don was hanging around the mansion on Tuesday afternoon and he was surfing the dish and suddenly realized the Clipper game was on... an early broadcast from the east coast. He hadn't seen the team play for awhile and he didn't have anything better to do so he tuned in.

And Don couldn't believe his eyes. Who the hell were these guys? That point guard, the black fellow with the beard? The one Don pays 13 million bucks a year? He didn't start! The coach held him out because he missed shootaround. That was surprising enough, but the other thing that shocked Don was the coach isn't the guy he remembers! While this guy looks awfully nice, he doesn't look anything like the guy he hired to run the team. This new guy is tall and has gray hair. The old guy, the guy Don remembers, is smaller, a bald pushy little Irish punk named Dunleavy.

So Don does what any good NBA owner would do, he calls his second in command, a guy named Andy. And he says, "Andy, Don here. What the hell? I'm paying 13 million bucks to a point guard who isn't even in the lineup. What's up with that? And what the hell happened to Marcus Camby? I liked him, we got him for nothing, remember? And who's the coach with the grey hair? His name is "Kim"? Really? What happened to the little Mick? He quit?! You're kidding?! He left all that money on the table? NO?!! He's the GM now?! I thought we eliminated that position?! I pay that guy five million a year to sit in an office and talk on the phone?! What the hell?

Right now Don's so angry his head gets all big and sweaty and it looks for a moment like it's gonna explode like that guy in "Scanners", but Don gets it under control and, as calmly as he can, says, "Andy, I don't know if you've watched any games lately but I'm watching one right now and I have news for you, this team, our team, my team... they're terrible. They stink. And even worse, I don't know half the guys on the floor... there's a little white guy playing point guard and a guy named "outlaw" in the frontcourt only it's not "Bo", and whatever happened to that big kid we drafted, you know the one, the half-black guy? Big effer, looks like a linebacker only really tall? What?!! For the season?! You're kidding me!? Okay, so anyway, where's the Mick... Dunleavy? I'd like to talk to him. He's in Florida with the team right? Get him on the horn. Oh, he's not? Where? The golf course?! What?! Eff him! He's fired! That's right, that's what I said! Now, about this Kim guy. What do we pay him? Really? Peanuts, huh? Good job, Andy. Oh? A new GM? Do we really need one? Maybe we can add that to your duties, you don't seem too busy... Okay, okay, then what about this Neil guy I met in the office once. Handsome fellow, I liked his voice. Okay. How much does he make? Okay, not bad. Offer him the job, but only if he'll take if for half pay. Well... it can't hurt to ask. Okay. Good. Good man. No... now, no reason to wait... before the end of the game. And I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm busy, got it? Good. Yeah, just add some of the usual boilerplate about how we want to win and win now... the suckers eat that crap up. Yeah, that's right Andy, the hell with this "spending money" thing... it didn't work at all. We're going back to the good old days... back to lots of rookie contracts and cheap vets on their last legs. I loved those days... those were the halcyon days, the days of wine and roses. I can't wait.

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Comments

I know your trying to be funny

but IMHO this is a very rude and obnoxious fan post…I get it you don’t like Donald Sterling.
Btw…he does go to games

by JJClipperfan on Mar 10, 2010 9:14 PM PST reply actions

cmon

you can’t say you didn’t laugh a little when you read this!

by baron_davis needs a fro on Mar 10, 2010 10:10 PM PST up reply actions

Do you know the guy?

I don’t, but he sure does seem oblivious sometimes. And impulsive. Just vague impressions. My guess is he’s been privileged and sheltered and loves to walk in certain circles so that he can think highly of himself. I look at those full page adverisements boasting of his philanthropy, and frankly they’re a little creepy.

But maybe I have him entirely wrong. If I were to give him the benefit of the doubt, I’d hazard that he’s probably more oblivious than racist. And yeah, I bet he’s more in touch with basketball operations than swami’s portrayal here. But he still deserves a few stiff pokes, no? I thought the “half-black guy” part was pretty funny.

BTW, I’m inclined to take the press release more or less literally. My guess is that DTS really does want to win, and that he sincerely intends to spend some money this summer. But he’s an old dog shooting for a new trick, and now the AT trade has brought its reality several steps closer. I imagine it’s gotten Don a little freaked out, thinking about a shopping spree with Dunleavy. “Not with THAT guy!” So abruptly, he gives Dun the boot… I’M NOT F’ing AROUND ANYMORE! It would explain the strange timing of the move. Only he hasn’t really thought things out. And he doesn’t really know what he’s doing.

Hope I’m wrong. Hope swamigusto is too, actually. But I’d be very surprised if DTS were actually an intelligent saint.

"i know huh........freakin clippers man.....its like a wild ride rooting for this team....gotta love em....(sometimes) lol" In GrIfFin We TrUsT

by SilverClip on Mar 10, 2010 10:49 PM PST up reply actions

i chuckled, ill admit it

but when i think of the Donald, i think a little of Gilbert Godfried. anyone else?

by big0lbad on Mar 10, 2010 10:18 PM PST reply actions

no

but when i googled his name, he looks nothing like him

by highriser on Mar 10, 2010 10:36 PM PST up reply actions

you had to google Gilbert Godfried? where have you been? Are you under 20 years old? That is the only explanantion

by ChrisS.Oaks on Mar 11, 2010 12:31 AM PST up reply actions

I met Gilbert once,

and the funny thing was, was he was polite, soft spoken and very well mannered.

by eastie Rich on Mar 11, 2010 7:55 AM PST up reply actions

Ditto with The Dice Man

was behind Andrew Dice Clay in a supermarket check-out line years ago, and he was as nice and polite as anyone you’d hope to meet.

by benoit benjamin's two left shoes on Mar 11, 2010 5:15 PM PST up reply actions

You are very good at dialouge...

and that line about an “Outlaw” not named Bo got me. I don’t think Mr. Sterling’s gonna go back to the days of Rookie contracts and veteran minimums though, he’s given us a taste of a legitimate basketball franchise and I don’t think he can go back to the cheapskate ways now.

Yay yay.

by KamanHomie on Mar 11, 2010 2:45 AM PST reply actions

Hope you're right, Homie...

I really do. The thing that scares me is the seeming spontaneous nature of the Clips actions. I don’t think it’s too remote a notion that DTS caught some of the game on Tuesday and realized how unmotivated the team was… and heads started rolling. And I guess Don really wants to win… but he has to do more than just keep saying it.
A I said it before, the firing of Dunleavy could be perceived as a passive-aggressive action. According to Dun, he was told by Sterling just a couple of days before that everything was okay. Then, out of nowhere, “You’re fired.” Now, the Jax’s of the world will insist that MD was lying. But I don’t know. I mean, why? And Roeser and Sterling have yet to show their faces… could it be because they’re embarassed by the rashness of their actions?
Finally, and this is the worst part of it… everybody’s running around wondering who the Clips might hire as coach and GM. But they already hired two guys for those positions… and their names aren’t Colangelo and Van Gundy… they’re two low paid guys with zero portfolio. They may be great at their jobs… but why should we believe that? Because Don told us too?
I’m a Clipper fan. I hope I’m wrong. But my cynicism is my protection. DTS has to PROVE he wants to win… and it isn’t by replacing Mike Dunleavy with a pair of assistants.

by John Raffo on Mar 11, 2010 8:14 AM PST up reply actions

The way I see it...

Dunleavy was probably kept on as GM after Kim became coach just to get them through the trade deadline. Sterling probably didn’t tell him that, or maybe Sterling decided that he would give him a little more time to see how Dunleavy’s players played under someone else (and when they still sucked, he got canned). Getting rid of Dunleavy as GM before the trade deadline would’ve been stupid, you don’t want to be going through that kind of transition during such an important transaction time. The decision to fire him now does seem rash, but at the same time Dunleavy received plenty of second chances and oppurtunities and Sterling has been pretty good to him, and if you think about it this is a great time to go through that transition. The trade deadline is passed, the draft and free agency is months away, the Clippers now have time to look at candidates. I really don’t think Kim Hughes will be coach next year, but there is no reason to replace him now. The season is over, and your not gonna get a proven coach to come in for the last 15 games of a meaningless season. As far as Olshey goes, I think the wording in the press release (as Steve pointed out), shows that the Clips don’t think he’s the long term answer at GM. Sterling has done more talking than walking in his life as a Clipper owner, but lately he’s been doing great. The Clips are at the salary cap, they’ve signed five players to big deals in the last few years (Brand, Maggette, Mobley, Kaman, Davis), and now they fired Dunleavy (despite whatever money was left on his contract). What happened ten years ago and before is one thing, but the Clips have been a legitimate franchise ever since and my money would be on them staying that way. For now we’ll just have to wait and see.
The important thing, however, is how damn good you are at writing dialogue. Honestly, I can’t stress that enough, I’ve tried writing stories and stuff and a constant stream of dialogue, particularly when only one of the people in the conversation is given a voice, is really tough to make coherent and interesting and funny, and you did that masterfully. You’re the man.

Yay yay.

by KamanHomie on Mar 11, 2010 1:20 PM PST up reply actions

thanks...

But DTS is kind of an easy target. And I HATE it when the national journalists take shots at the Clippers. I tell myself I have a right to mock DTS because I’ve been so thoroughly abused by him for so long. (Fan since they drafted Danny Manning, STH until they moved to Staples. I don’t live in LA anymore or I probably would have bought tickets this year.)

by John Raffo on Mar 11, 2010 2:04 PM PST up reply actions

Thanks for a good laugh

Really funny stuff here and enough truth to balance out the parody. I agree with KH that (hopefully) Sterling doesn’t intend to revert to the bad old days of cheapness. But as I’ve written before, it’s a possibility to be concerned about should the Clippers srike out with the top free agents. Any owner would be glad to profit from a LeBron or Wade, but we’ll know where the team stands if and when we see what the backup plan is.

by ClipCat on Mar 11, 2010 7:38 AM PST reply actions

Great post. Two things, I wonder if DTS knows

enough about basketball to make the statement “they’re terrible.” And I think DTS will do whatever makes him the most money, the bad old days vs. the not so good new ones.

by eastie Rich on Mar 11, 2010 7:57 AM PST reply actions

Great post!

I have to agree with you that DTS probably put the game on his TV, saw how unmotivated the team was, and started calling for heads. The timing of Dunleavy’s release seems to make this scenario sound realistic.

"look, you can find any coach you want, bring him in here and run the situation. But I don't think they are going to do as good a job as I do." -Mike Dunleavy Sr.

by CLiPPz WeRD 12 on Mar 11, 2010 11:38 AM PST reply actions

Yes, that's actually what I was thinking...

I started out trying to write a serious fanpost that suggested that very thing. But the idea of him watching the game on TV and getting angry at what he saw is both understandable and innately comical.

by John Raffo on Mar 11, 2010 2:08 PM PST up reply actions