An open letter to Clipper bandwagoners

Dear Laker Fans,

This may be a shocking time for all of you. It is tough to root for a losing team and it appears the Lakers may be headed that way soon. Us Clipper fans have been doing it for years now so we definitely understand your pain, we just ask that you do stay calm and resist the urge to do any rioting... again.

Now as I understand it many of you are switching teams and rooting for the Clippers now that we have CP3 (regarding that it may seem like we stole him from you, but direct all complaints to the office of David Stern... we aren't too thrilled with him either) and possibly one of the best starting lineups in the NBA. We Clipper fans are an accepting bunch and we will gladly have you in our wagon. There are, however, differences in Laker and Clipper culture so to avoid confusion and any embarrassing faux pas here's a list of thing you should know and a few rules you should follow.

1.Chances are good that the Clippers will be making the playoffs this year, and I know Laker fans generally like to show their joy of making playoffs by putting flags on their vehicles. We beg of you, please resist the urge! No Clipper flags!

2. When you are at a Clipper game you may notice that it is a little brighter in the arena. This is because the Clippers do not turn their lights of during the game. It may take a little while for your eyes to adjust but you'll be good by the 2nd quarter--promise! You may notice other areas where we aren’t as flashy as our co-tenants, but it’s okay, our cheerleaders are hotter.

3. If you are going to Clipper games then you may at first be confused by a gentlemen in a red and blue suit (he has a matching car as well). This man is Clipper Darrell. He is basically our Jack Nicholson and could be considered an unofficial mascot. He will yell very loudly (which could at first be off-putting if he sits in your row) and he may at some point start the wave.

4. Laker fans were lucky to have Chick Hearn as the commentator for their games. His passing was a great loss to the franchise and his replacements, to be honest, are terrible. Well now that you are Clipper fans, you will have the pleasure of listening to the greatest broadcasting duo in the NBA: Ralph Lawler and Mike Smith. Now Ralph Lawler is the one who really carries this team, but Mike Smith ain't too bad. Here are some Ralph Lawler-isms you should familiarize yourself with:

  • Oh-me-oh-my (said on an exciting plays such as fast-breaks and dunks)
  • BINGO! (said after 3 pointers)
  • Lawler's Law (first to 100 points wins)
  • Fasten your seat belts gang, it's down to the wire

5. Please watch the game when you are at the game. We old-school Clipper fans used to have the option to attend pretty much any Clipper game for like $10. With all these new fans those prices are sure to be gone, so if you are going to fill up a seat at Staples please actually watch the game instead of using it as some kind of show of status. After the game ends please peacefully drive home and stay there for the rest of the night. Resist any urge to light things on fire.

6. Laker fans have a tendency to overrate their players. Sit down when I tell you this, but, Kobe is not the greatest player to ever play the game, and he may not be the greatest player playing now… are you still there? Now us Clipper fans have much love for our savior, Blake Griffin, and I would very much give up a kidney for him; however, in rating him (and our other players) we have to stay objective. As a corollary to this please doesn’t suggest absurd trade scenarios ("Luke Walton for D. Rose is a great deal!")… actually... please refrain from all trade speculation.

7. The following former players are personae non gratae in Clipper Nation: Lamar Odom, Andre Miller, Elton Brand, Danny Ferry.

8. We don't get tacos so don't boo if we don't get a 100 points.

9. Your probably used to lines of celebrities filling the seats at Staples (by the way, we play there too... so don't get lost getting to the game) so far we have Frankie Munoz (who is no longer living in LA, but still sends twitter love to the nation), Penny Marshall, Billy Crystal, and that dad from That's So Raven. They don't attend as religiously as Jack so you may not see them as often.

10. We may be down by two points, up by thirty points, or down by twenty... It doesn't matter, unless you wife's in labor or you kids are burning down your house... You stay till the end of the game!

This should tide you new fans over for now. Welcome to Clipper Nation! Enjoy an exciting season of basketball!


A Veteran Fan

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