Editor's note: This post is satire. —Lucas Hann
People like to praise the Warriors for being such a 'classy organization' and 'winning the right way'. Well if this is the right way, then I want to be wrong, wrong, wrong.
Golden State owner Joe Lacob came out today and gleefully talked about doing nasty, nasty things with the Larry O'Brien championship trophy.
"I had made a promise to myself [that] I would sleep with the trophy that night," reveals Lacob, which rhymes with Jacob. "Nicole [Curran, his longtime fiancée] and I did sleep with it."
"I’ll leave it to the imagination," he says, grinning. "We had a lot of fun with it."
Disgusting. Absolutely deplorable. Joe Lacob has no respect.
Let's not forget the history behind the trophy, named for the greatest commissioner in NBA history. Generations of champions who won the right way earned the right to hold the trophy, display it, even celebrate with it. That trophy deserves to be treated the right way. Instead, Joe Lacob looked at that history, spat on it, and wiped it off with some lingerie. Let's get this straight: you have the right to do whatever you want with your own team's championship rings, but the Larry O'Brien is a league institution and we cannot let someone disrespect it and defile its sanctity.
But it's not just him. It's the whole Warriors organization, top to bottom, disrespecting the game of basketball and its fans. The media has let this slide for far too long, instead praising the Warriors for newfangled ideas like "small-balls". Have you ever heard of a jump shooting team winning a title before? No, and it's for a good reason. If this is what Joe Lacob thinks is okay to do to the Larry O'Brien, what the hell do you think Steph Curry is doing with the Maurice Podoloff?
A few brave people have stood up and spoken out. Surprisingly, one of them is a Memphis Grizzlies fan, but justice is blind to awful decision making about what team to root for. Under the alias (because the media crucifies you today if you're not PC) of GBB Commenter, he published an exposé of how the Warriors might have even cheated to win a title.
Im not saying [stefs] taking PEDs but I think something else is going on. If you do a little investigative journalism on google maps you will realize that where Golden State plays is really close to a place I like to call Sillicon Vally, which may not have implants like its name implies but it does have the most of the worlds hi-tech companies per capita in the world. Its perfectly concevable that the owner of the Warriors went to some of the smartest nerds and paid them buttloads of money to make Curry into a 3 point shooting cyborg. That is the only logical way to explain the crazy shots he hits on a incredibley frequint bases.
If the NBA wants to keep its integrity from being ruined by a bunch of cheaters it needs to investigate the Warriors right now because right now they look like white girls at Starbucks in the fall: cheaters, cheaters, pumpkin eaters. And if the league finds any evedince of cheating, the Warriors there title should be stripped and given to a team that plays the right way.
You know who else doesn't think the Warriors are role models? Drake.
Last year he was like everyone else who thought Golden State was fantastic. He even made a little ditty talking about how good Steph Curry is at cooking dinner. But when the Warriors won the title guess who didn't come to the celebrations? We all know Drake only celebrates with teams who win the right way.
So when he had to make another song this summer, guess who he didn't mention this time? Instead, he decided to sing about a wholesome Canadian player who used to play for San Antonio, one of the 29 classy organizations in the National Basketball Association.
The Warriors are a corrupting influence on the youth. They glorify drug use and rappity rap culture — and when the NBA tried to stop them and protect our most valuable resource (the children), they took handouts from Big Cereal to shill for highly-processed artificial junk instead. They peer pressure players into forgetting what their DARE officers told them, and they teach kids terrible dental hygiene. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Wake up America. Don't let your children root for the Golden State Warriors.